Completely incomplete
I want to see you and know you see me too.
I want to be connected but not say a word. To be reassured there’s no judgement, malice or threat. To feel safe enough to be completely incomplete. To know that no one is completely right or wrong - we are human, actions subject to context and experience that I will not always see or know about.
I feel there’s a deeper sense of belonging and connection. Maybe most of us have never felt it. It’s fleeting I think. In a society that becomes increasingly disconnected from real connection with constant reasons to fret and panic, no wonder I yearn for something deeper and more real.
I can’t force anyone to feel a certain thing - nor would I want to create something false and manufactured. That’s exactly why I feel so disconnected in the first place, as seeing through the exponentially expanding layers of a world that just keeps manipulating and changing what I should focus on forces me to just get my head down and get through it. It’s too overwhelming to do much else. I just wonder if anyone out there felt this too.
At this point, creating anything feels like a cheeky rebellion. Especially something that exposes feelings that are possibly not spoken about or felt when they need to be.
My ideas and need to create will never conclude. It may fluctuate, but I will always find my way back.
But I will always feel as though what I’ve done is never enough..
Why is it never enough?
Someone else has always explored something before me. If no idea is completely unique or completely mine… then what gives right to explore it so aggressively. Shouldn’t I be more polite? More tentative? Slowly unpicking the layers and when I have permission…. from who?
I’ll never have permission from the person who first thought or experienced a “thing”. That’s ridiculous.
So I guess I just need to allow myself. I don’t need to walk into a thought or idea like I own it and have had a thought that’s never been thought before. My words are not profound.
But then surely that’s a good thing, a documented human experience in a form which may find an audience who understands.
Making something that speaks to an experience is fundamentally more beautiful than making nothing at all, it gives a chance for others to resonate with a tangible element of the human experience which they may have also been struggling to articulate or understand. Surely creating something unpolished and unperfect without explicit permission or following strict guidelines set by my own warped ideals is much more human than never creating at all.